If only there were more of me

Wow. Sexist, racist and morally wrong at ever turn. Thats my kind of show!

2009-08-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (Seasons 1-4)

This show is what I like class genre-wise as a 'Wrong-com' because everything they do and say on the show is wrong and terrible beyond anything imaginable. Shows like 'South Park' and 'Family Guy' would probably also fall into this category because their humour is offensive to everyone at some point or another. As there's no point in analyzing each series by itself I decided to just through it into one big batch. The show follows four friends (and one of their dads as of the 2nd season) and they run a very unsuccessful bar in Philadelphia. 'The gang' as they are often referred to have no other friends and no other hobbies other than getting drunk on the very alcohol that is bought specifically for the bar. The show is very low budget so don't be expecting Grade A storylines and effects but it has managed to last four season, with a fifth coming in the next month or so, and it also has a cult following due its severe randomness with episodes about 'Greenman' or 'Dayman' which are both inventions of the glue sniffing character called Charlie. Basically this show is what we need to see more of if I'm quite honest. No more of this canned laughter crap (See 'Friends' and 'Two and a Half Men') because that stuff just isn't funny any more. They think that someone making a funny noise or a funny face on tv and then throwing in this canned laughter, which probably isn't anything but a bunch of trolleys colliding plus some fat guy choking on his hot dog, is funny. Comedy like 'Arrested Development' and 'Flight of the Conchords' should be regarded as revolutionary because they disregard the old way of "comedy" and have created their own type. And that's 'It's Always Sunny' falls into because he tests the extremes. So, if you are looking for a good comedy that gives you reason to watch tv then this show is something you should check out.

9.4/10

Now for some movies...

2009-07-26T15:41:00.000-07:00

The movies I'm about to review have been out for maybe a year or two so you may have seen them but I just watched them recently and I though I could add them in here.

Gone Baby Gone (2007)

Now I don't see Ben Affleck as a bad actor, but I don't exactly see him as a good one either to be honest. So, when someone says to me 'By the way Ben Affleck directed a movie' I shuddered to think what the outcome of such a travesty would be. However I must admit that I pleasantly enjoyed the movie. Starring Casey Affleck as a private detective who gets hired to track down a child and their kidnapper. However the closer he gets the more he sees of the bigger picture. Now I said before that I enjoyed the film and everyone nowadays seems to automatically assume that it is due to the director that it's such a big hit. I feel however that the writer should be appreciated just as much because they're the ones who spend a year or more creating a story that is unique and entertaining. Of course that's not always the case, but a sense of gratitude should be offered to person who wrote the script for this movie because it was so well engineered, a little bit obvious in some parts, but overall it delivered very well indeed. So please, appreciate the people who really make a movie what is a little bit more, and if you haven't seen this movie be sure that you do.

8.6/10

In Bruges (2008)

Colin Farrell, to me anyway, seemed to drop off the radar a bit in recent years. It seemed he was everywhere at once and then he disappeared into the background for a while. I mean the last film I can say I saw him in was Miami Vice with Jamie Foxx and that was a good year or two ago. But I must say I'm glad he was cast in this film because he fits into the role so perfectly. After a hit/hit gone wrong, two hitmen get sent by their boss to hide out in Bruges where one adores the place and one hates it. I will admit I was slightly skeptical of the movie at first but I really enjoyed it. It has an unusual cross-over between comedy and drama because one minute its all laughs and the next someones about to get their head blown off by some crazed Brit. The film won a BAFTA and a Golden Globe and I must say I am not surprised because the acting and script are perfect. Sure, when you see its a Film4 made movie you think its just going to be some cheapo movie with no more than a few laughs. I'm not saying it was expensive but it worked. It really did because I enjoyed it and I'm sure other people enjoyed it as well for it to win awards.

9.1/10

Picking up from where we left off...

2009-07-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

As it is clearly obvious I have not updated for some time yet again, so I am proud to announce that I have a wave of reviews coming to you in the next week or so. I hope you enjoy.

Prototype (2009)

As a gamer I look forward to these games who revolutionize the whole gaming world. Trailers and screenshots of Prototype made it seem like one of these games but alas I did not feel what I expected when I picked up the controller and played the game. You play Alex Mercer, a guy who woke up in a morgue and now has the super ability to kill everything in sight. For some reason he cannot remember how he ended up in a morgue so to fill in the blanks he picks people up and feeds on them to gain their knowledge of how he ended up in a morgue and why the whole of Manhatten Island is crawling with military folk who generally just want to kill anything that moves. On paper it sounds rediculous but I feel Activision did the best they could with it. As a sandbox game where you literally just get to jump from rooftop to rooftop and kill everyone and anything in sight you expect it take a hold of player and immerse them into those intense story line if nothing else. But I feel the game lacked something, I'm not sure what. Maybe was the whole idea of having races and trying to get the gold medal while everyone else around you is infected and getting shot at by the military, or is the military and getting eaten by the infected. Or you could just be the casual civilian who just deserves to die for being so stupid for being there in the middle of an all out war. The game can be entertaining but it's not one I would go back to time and time again. Other than the opening cut scenes which were beautifully made the rest of the game looks like they couldn't be bothered graphics wise. The opening cut scene maybe lasts a minute and half at least, but the rest of the cut scenes won't even last 20 seconds. So I will emphasise and extend my previous point: the game can be fun and entertaining, but don't expect too much from it.

6.8/10

Red Faction Guerrila (2009)

I loved the first Red Faction game. I couldn't play it now because it just looks awful compared to todays graphics. Red Faction 2 was....disappointing. Both of those games promised this Geo Mod technology that made you enviroment fully destructable. Both of these games failed to deliver. Finally after years of waiting, Red Faction Guerilla appears and shows us what it should have always been like. You play a miner on Mars only known as Mason. The Earth Defence Force who sound like a nice bunch of guys are actually pure evil and kill your brother so that you go join the Red Faction and wont rest until every last EDF soldier suffers in agony. Every building in that game, every bridge, every random piping can be obliterated beyond recognition. And you may think "well that'll get boring quickly" but sadly that is not the case. In fact it just gets more exciting. You will try to find the best ways to destroy things without having to get into fire-fights with the EDF every two minutes, and believe me that will become handy as you progress through the game. In fact some things wont be as easy as taking a hammer to them or strapping a satchel charge to it. There is a bridge in the game that requires you to use a nano-gun on the supporting girders underneath it, and trying to do it when every EDF soldier is after you can be pretty annoying. So to sum up, the game is entertaining, good story, shows that a enviroment can be fully destructable, but my one bad point is really low number of weapons. And some of them are basically crap. A rocket launcher that requires 3 rockets just destroy a vehicle and you can only carry a maximum of 9 rockets. Trust me, that one gets annoying quickly. There as EDF grenade that basically sucks everything around it in and destroys it, but of course you can't store this in an ammo locker and you can only carry two at a time...really takes the fun out of it.

9.1/10

Several new items that I have been too lazy to review till now

2009-06-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

Star Trek (2009)

Now to start off I am not a "trekkie" nor one of any kind. I have not mastered the art of the vulcan nerve pinch nor can I speak Klingon but when a movie comes out that seems to recreate the entire Star Trek franchise then I am all for it. The movie takes a different turn in the story from what happened with Kirk, Spock and the rest of that gang of inbreds in the original series. Instead what happens is a giant Romulan ship from the future travels back in time and tries to kill Spock because he did this, and he did that. It sounds stupid but it is incredibley well done. The movie, quite obviously, follows James T. Kirk as he tries to turn himself from a typical down-and-out into a respected Captain of the Federation. Of course not everything goes to plan and he ends up going head to head with Spock as well as the giant warship from the future that is trying to kill the very man he shall grow to love in some sort of sick, twisted, inter-species sex-cipade. Anyways, I can't say a lot about the movie without ruining it completely so I'll shut up now and let you buy your cinema tickets online. So live long and prosper.

8.9/10

Madina Lake - Attics To Eden (2009)

I liked these guys when they first came out. They had this whole different sound, the idea of Madina Lake is some sort of creepy murder mystery town, and also the two brothers in the band went on Fear Factor, almost died, won, and spent their winnings on creatin their first album. Who cares if you don't like their music, you've just got to love them for that. Anyways, when listening to this new album I get this whole dark-disco feel from it which isn't a bad thing. It actually creates a new sounds for them completely which is what all bands should try to do. Hint! Hint! Oasis and U2! Now to criticize it. It is very depressing and emo-y at points. It talks about being completely psychotic and being lonely without the love of your life being within two feet of you. It talks about all of us being murderers and arsonists without even knowing it, and no matter how hard we'll try we shall never take them alive so basically their fan following must be some sort of suicide cult....also it's not even forty minutes long. Every album should be at least forty minutes long, no matter how depressing it may be. But despite my criticisms of it the whole dark-disco vibe appeals to me and I almost feel compelled to listen to at least one song a day. Shame on me. So, if your into depressing songs or you want to hear a new sound then buy the album. If you just want a new coaster then your money is better spent elsewhere.

6.8/10

CKY - Carver City (2009)

I should start off by saying that CKY although not one of my favourite bands still manages to grab my attention with their new albums. 2005's An Answer Can Be Found was a triumph in my books. I loved pratically every song on that album and still do. However to a disappointment, Carver City does not hold that same quality to an extent. Sure, songs like Imaginary Threats and A#1 Roller Rages are great songs, with great lyrics and great riffs, but the rest of the album just doesn't hold up. But I read somwhere recently about the album that a lot of the songs used were songs they had written years ago and had never developed or been recorded. While that shows laziness it also shows why I felt the album didn't sound quite right. While the previously mentioned songs captured their new sound perfectly, their old songs would have reflected their old sound. I assume that maybe that's what they prefer but honestly I still think An Answer Can Be Found is the sort of quality these guys should aim for.

6.2/10

Don Dominic? That's a pretty stupid name!

2009-05-02T04:33:00.000-07:00

The Godfather II (2009)

Over the past few months people were curious as to whether or not this game would actually come out or if they would keep changing the dates until the point where we didn't care any more. Fortunately the game was released around the middle of April this year and after all the months of watching trailers and viewing screenshots we can all say we were pretty anxious for this moment. Well, I can say that at the very least. The game, like the first one, focuses on a character completely unrelated to the movies and basically involves you trying to take over all the shops and rackets. We were told that the game would cover several cities like it did in the movie - New York, Florida and that place in Cuba that I can't remember the name of. Anyway, we were expecting city sizes similar to that of the first game. I think I can safely say that is not the case in this game. We manage to get maybe a fifth of the size of New York we had in the first game. Now don't get me wrong, the movie was not all set in New York so it would be pointless trying to focus on that city, but it made the game vey linear for a free roam game. Once you took over New York you had to go to Florida and take over everything there. And then onto Cuba. All the while protecting the businesses you own with guards and made-men. I thought the system for having a team was quite useful because you got to select what sort of talent you wanted on your team. It is quite unfortunate that there is only like five specialities to choose from. And also they don't seem to understand that if you highlight something and click on it for them to do their thing it takes another fifty presses and movement towards the highlighted object for them to actually give a fuck.

It is a game with a lot of potential but they just simplified the game far too much. And by that I mean if you cannot complete it then you should just give up now. The game is not challenging. And even when it does present a challenge like take over an enemy compound and you get riddled with holes your medic is standing next to you to inject you with God-knows-what and bring you back to life. Of course there is an option to ignore the medic if you fall in battle but I'm really not sure what the point of that is. Maybe the protaganist just gets sick of being injected by what I can only assume is a mixture between candy and cocaine.

6.1/10

Yay, more World War II fun

2009-03-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

Call of Duty 5: World at War (2008)

As I said before I'm a little behind on writing on the blog so the chances are you probably have this already and are repeatedly shooting the nazi scum in the head. I'm sure they were just misunderstood...maybe not. Anyway, I found the game slightly disappointing. Modern Warfare was a beacon to what all first-person shooters should be like (maybe I just liked shooting foreigners, I'm not sure), and when World at War came out reviews stated that it was just as good...I found this quite the contrary. Maybe I prefer the modern day weapons and the element of stealth that was present in Modern Warfare, but World at War was basically covering what had already been done in the other Call of Duty games set during the World War except from the view of two completely different characters. It is a shame because the addition of Keifer Sutherland as one of the American Sergeants sort of adds to the fun of the game even if that is the only bit. Every five minutes I was like "OMG, Jack Bauer saved my life!!!" in a really high pitched voice. But yes the game did lack something from the previous game but it can still be enjoyable. Especially when you get the Zombie Nazi mode which adds endless hours of fun. I can, by myself, get up to wave 9 which is quite impressive considering Games Radar stated long, long ago that they couldn't get past wave 5 or 6. It's good to know I'm better than them. But yes, good game, severely lacking fun elements but hopefully from now on they'll stick to Modern Warfare type games or ones set far in the future....maybe not.

6.8/10

It's been a while...lets burn things, lets kill things, lets talk the last few months

2009-03-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

If you visit the site often you'll have noticed that there has been a large gap between now and my last post. This is due to my overhwelming desire to spend my days in the pubs and clubs while I'm still in my youth. Well, heres reviews for games that have been out for a while but you should take a look at if you haven't bought them already.

Far Cry 2 (2008)

I enjoyed all the previous Far Cry titles including Far Cry: Evolution...well maybe not so much that one. So, when it was announced that a Far Cry 2 was being made I jumped up and down like...I'm not sure actually. I'm a bit out of practice. Simply put, I looked forward to it eagerly and thought, when watching trailers and looking at screen shots, this game is made of awesome. Now, I can conclude that it is still made of awesome. The work put into the fire effect is outstanding mainly because that was its main selling point when they first announced it. But the game offers a serious of styles that I feel were missed out in the previous games. Such as now you can use the cover of night time for late night antics and the guards won't see you. Especially fun when you start using loud weapons just to see them run about and shout at each other as you hide behind a tree. However, the games A.I. can be incredibly smart if not slightly annoying...okay, it can be very annoying. Despite the option to use stealth, your enemies often manage to find you, and by find you I mean that no matter where you are on the map there will be someone shooting at you. The upgrade to repair jeeps quicker is a wise purchase early on because of this. The game has other flaws such as incompetent "buddies". "Buddies" are your "friends" who often send you on pointless suicide missions so you gain "respect". And by "respect" I mean a little line in your journal that says you've advanced to level X in respect. It pretty much means nothing. Then when doing a very important mission and your about to assassinate the Prime Minister of Tesco you get a phone call from a "buddy" saying that they need help because they've done something incredibly stupid and need you to bail them out...again. Not that it does much because they almost always get obliterated by the time you get there and then when you try to give them a syrette they just die on you. So, it can be agreed that the A.I. is iffy but the game-play is pretty amazing. The variety of weapons in the game makes up for any other problems. One of the problems being you can't carry two submachine guns but it's possible to carry two snipers. Something wrong there. But the game can last you a long time especially if you go looking for all 200+ diamond cases and the jackal tapes...not an easy task I tell you. But if you stick to the story and the odd side mission you will surely enjoy it.

7.4/10

Halo Wars (2009)

I sometimes feel that the Halo franchise has been overplayed a bit baring in mind the talk of Halo Wars 2 and Halo 3 ODST. We understood from the first game that Master Chief is awesome and is the embodiment of XBOX and Microsoft, while the covenant and the flood are the embodiment of Sony. Sony = pure evil, remember that kids. Anyways, Halo Wars is meant to be the first successful real-time strategy game for a console and I can see why to an extent. While it is fun just to launch carpet bombs every two minutes due to the severely limited number of units you can have at any one time it can get boring to win too easily. The game also seems to have this idea that enemies, such as covenant elites, need to be painted a bright purple because everyone is too damn stupid to notice a dark purple elite attacking their base. And units that you don't have control of yet for whatever reason are painted either yellow or gold. I'm not sure I havn't analysed them well enough yet. I feel that the story has to be one of the main good points of the game but even then I have to question why these events were mentioned in the original Halo games as this is set 20 years earlier. I'm not wishing to say that it's a bad game because it is highly addictive, but there are things htat could have been improved before release. Such as the Covenant should be renamed Sony. Sorry, I'll stop now. Microsoft seem keen to keep the Halo franchise going for as long as possible which is fair enough seeing as Final Fantasy and Metal Gear have gone on for far too long as it is. So, if Microsoft wish to keep the Halo franchise going I'd suggest that they make sure that they keep up the good work but shouldn't be afraid to improve it. I can honestly say I'm a wee bit giddy about Halo 3:ODST.

7.1/10

I'm gonna pop a cap in yo ass (said with an uptown British accent)

2008-11-09T11:09:00.000-08:00

Saints Row 2 (2008)

There was a lot of issue over the first Saints Row because it was essentially a rip-off of GTA which I will not argue to the contrary. However, Saints Row introduced us to a world where we could hang with our "homies" while slapping our "beotches" about. The world of GTA was too simplistic as it was all mission based and to earn money you had to do missions no matter how boring and repetitive and repetitive and repetitive they really were. In Saints Row, and Saints Row 2, we had the option to entertain ourselves with other activities, also known as "Diversions". It was these "diversions" that allowed us to throw ourselves in front of speeding cars and commit insurance fraud, the very games that took the literal meaning of "pimp-tossing" (more a Saints Row 2 feature), it is these games that let us escape the realism of games like GTA and enjoy being catapulted across the entire city.

Saints Row 2 is essentially the same as Saints Row which sparked confusion in fans as to why it was taking so long to make if they were just going to use the same city and such. The reason for this, it seems, is that they recreated the entire game engine they were using to try and improve it. i.e. make it better in case you didn't understand thus far. They have also incorporated a new character creation in the game (if you don't understand how this is possible since you are playing the same person you played in the first game then you will have to get the game to find out) which was wasted on me as I can never be bothered messing around with all the buttons and such too much. The basic story of the game is that you escape from prison, find out the Saints have disbanded and three new gangs have taken over the lovely fictional city of Stilwater. It is then your duty to destroy these new gangs and take back what is yours. Pretty simplistic but considering that they've already started work on Saints Row 3 I can't really say I was expecting the story to be written by one of the many on the list of the top Hollywood director (George Lucas was omitted from this after that bullshit he splashed into cinemas at the end of summer). One of the great features of Saints Row 2 is that you can customize your "crib" which you have about 7 of. Most of mine are "pimp" but there's one or two that are classy and are yet to have the stripper pole put in. It is also possible to buy shops and businesses within your gang territory meaning you get more of that lovely money early instead of acting like the most disgusting looking bastard on the face of the earth in your rat filled apartment (see Niko Bellic in the start of GTA IV).

So, that's the gist of it without ruining key parts for you. I hope many of you will buy this and run round with all your friends shouting words like "gangsta", "playa" and "nig nog" (That last one was omitted from the final production of the game due to unknown reasons).

9.1/10

Stuff, blowing stuff up and viking moshers

2008-10-10T12:49:00.000-07:00

Mercenaries 2: World In Flames (2008)

I played the original game years ago on the XBOX and loved it so much that I highly anticipated the sequel set in the lovely, war-torn Venezuela. I insisted it were bought for a current-gen console because at one point in my journey across the universe and its neighbours I caught site of the graphics for the PS2 version and essentially it was the same graphics as the first game. i.e. same game, different story. So I got it for XBOX 360 knowing full well that this is the most superior console right now :) Admittedly I found the game a tad repetitive at points. Not just because all characters in the game repeat the same 3 lines over and over again to appear intelligent (take note, it doesn't work), the combat was roughly the same as the first game and hijacking a tank or helicopter (a must do to stay alive) meant going into the 'press this button when it tells you' moron mode. However, picking up weapons such as the fuel-air RPG made me giddy inside as it obliterated everything in its path. Even if you bought the game just to see that would probably be worthwhile. I guess that's why I bought it. There are some bugs in the game, so to be honest I think it was rushed a bit just so it was out in time for Christmas and the likes. The biggest error in the game was structuring every base the same. Every base has the same guard towers, fuel tanks, useless enemies and of course the barracks where hundreds of rockets are fired at you each second. Therefore your only options are to use a rocket which you do not have, a tank that just blew up, or C4 which runs out quicker than your waste when you have diarrhoea. Essentially you are pretty much fucked when you find a base with four or five of these bastards. The some of the cut scenes in the game (especially at the start) seem to have been done incredibly badly. Thats not to say that it's two or three wee stick men talking to each other, it's that each new thing that happens in a cut scene looks like it's been badly edited in.

But in all the game is incredibly fun, the story is very political considering it's all about oil and how the western world always takes it, and best of all you have a raging viking with all three of his witty comments.

There is special level of hell dedicated to lawyers and people who talk in the cinema

2008-08-05T14:18:00.000-07:00

Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)

I know I just posted something about 'The Dark Knight' yesterday but some friends dragged me out to see an advanced preview of this today. I have to say I was slightly skeptical at the very least but the film was quite good if not better than the first one. I did find that there were some very unnecessary romance scenes in the movie. I mean this is Hellboy, the meanest bad-ass from hell, besides George Bush, so what's he doing with these pointless love scenes. The film is about Hellboy returning to fight an ancient foe who believes that the truce between mankind and mystical creatures should be broken because mankind has broken their end of the truce by destroying countrysides and building car parks. It sounds stupid but it makes sense. Unfortunately this foe has set himself on a quest to find all the pieces of a crown that allows the wearer to control an indestructible army known as The Golden Army. It is therefore up to Hellboy and his team to stop him.

Anyways, the film was good, the plot was good (though you may disagree after reading my summary, but go see it anyway), acting was good, visuals were good but I feel this movie may be left in the dark due to all the other hero/superhero movies that have appeared in a cinema near you in the past few months. I mean this year alone we've had 'Iron Man', 'The Incredible Hulk', 'Hancock' and 'The Dark Knight'. By the time this is actually released to most cinemas a lot of people will be tired out from all of the other heroes. Which is actually a shame because it is a good movie, not great, but worthy of out attention. Therefore it would have to be said that I can hope that the DVD sales are what save the movie. If people can't be bothered now then they should be by the time it comes out on DVD.

Now, I would not normally do this but I wish to talk about one of the trailers that I saw before the movie. I had seen this trailer on the internet weeks ago but seeing it on a cinema screen is so much better. Max Payne. Based upon the video game of the undercover cover cop set out to find the killer of his family this movie follows a similar plot. Starring Mark Wahlberg as Max Payne and with all the gun fights and explosions I can see this as to be one of the greatest movies based upon a video game. Here's hoping.

The story of my life

2008-08-04T09:27:00.000-07:00

The Dark Knight (2008)

I recently watched this film knowing that due to the way everyone raved on about it, it would be a great movie. It's so great that it has brought in millions in the box office and has also taken place as no.1 film on IMDb (Internet Movie Database) ahead of great classics such as 'The Godfather' or 'The Shawshank Redemption'. But the fact that it grew to such a high status in a few days begs the question of whether people actually enjoyed the film or if they decided, that as it was one of the last films that Heith Ledger would star in, that it deserved to be made as the Holy Grail of all movies. When Heath Ledger passed away we were all in shock and knowing that 'The Dark Knight' would be one of his last movies we may have saw the film as a beacon of light. I don't blame anyone. The film was good, there is no argument about that. But I feel that for me the film was over-hyped. Yes, Heath Ledger's performance stole the show, the plot was sound, the rest of the acting was above excellent, but it just seems that we wanted the film to be good and nothing could change our minds if someone was to show a porno in its place.

We have awaited this film since the amazing 'Batman Begins' came out and it was well worth the wait. For once we have a truly terrifying Batman (Christian Bail) since all the others were just a joke *Cough* George Clooney *Cough*. We also have a scary terrorist as the joker and if any of us are fans we can tell that Two-face comes into the equation and trust me he is just as scary. There are no complaints that I can find about the film other than it's over-hyped status, but you should still go see it.

9.1/10

It's not a porno. Trust me!

2008-07-16T15:40:00.000-07:00

Hancock (2008)

When the words 'Will Smith' show up anywhere you will always be intrigued. Not just because he is one of the greatest people around, but because most if not all of his movies are successful to a very high standard. Now, when you put him in any role you can tell that the role was perfect for him, which is the way it's been with all his other movies. So that's why I believe that he was a perfect candidate to play 'John Hancock' a drunk and troubled superhero currently aiding the people of L.A. In one of his many travels he saves Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman), a PR guy, who despite several warnings decides to help Hancock restore his name and become the typical superhero you would expect him to be. Of course with any movie you can expect some difficulties will occur, which do eventually.

The movie follows closely as a man rises from zero to hero, so it's almost like your typical superhero origin movie. Despite several thousand critics complaining and moaning how the movie wasn't very good, I have to disagree completely with those people. The film is funny, it has drama, it has action, it has a good script, it has a decent cast...need I go on. And despite the critics the film has risen to a huge success because everyone wanted to go see it and everybody loved it. This then begs the question, is there something the critics aren't telling us? People seem to enjoy it, but the cynical rejected mutation of mankind, also known as the critic, seems to think otherwise. They also had some issue with 'I am legend' at some point. Now, I'm not going to start that its a whole race thing when it could be quite a number of things. Maybe they are just getting fed up with Will Smith. It's not uncommon for there to be too much of a good thing, and maybe that's what this is. It is too much of a good thing, which therefore implies that 'Hancock' is a good movie.

I find it fun to reexamine a critics review and change it into something else completely.

8.2/10

Hulk smash! Hulk bash! Hulk No.1!

2008-06-20T13:11:00.000-07:00

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

It is understandable if you are a little sceptical about seeing this film considering its predocessor was...crap to put it lightly. But this film is so much more. Starring Edward Norton and Liv Tyler, the movie begins with Bruce Banner still trying to escape his menacing alter ego and the U.S. military. Due to a fatal error while working in a factory the military falls hard on his trail as he travels throughout the world to try and escape them while he tries to keep in contact with the mysterious Mr Blue who believes he can heal banner of his curse. But I can tell you right now that if you believe that they can actually undo the process that created the Hulk then there is not point in believing the Hulk ever existed. So you can understand why myself and countless others knew straight away that this mission to stop the Hulk was inevitabley impossible, so you can't say I ruined it for you if you haven't seen it yet. I'm just giving you the information that would probably be in the synopsis for this movie. I'm not sure. I don't have IMDB set as my homepage. If you are still unconvinced that this movie is good at the very least talk to people who have seen it and ask what they thought of it. It would be a shame for you to miss out...I think. Maybe I'll just mock you for countless years for your naiveity or stupidity. I'm not sure which one would suit better. However, if you have chosen to see a film other than the one I am reviewing currently then maybe you should go see Sex and the City you utter prat. Never has anyones money been put to such a worthless cause. I haven't seen it, I just know that if you go to see a movie about a bunch of ugly 50 year old women who act like men then you are surely to be diappointed. Also, having the word "sex" in it doesn't mean you get to see some hardcore scenes. It just means you get to watch several hours of Ugly McUgly and her ugly friends talk about it. Not quite the same thing, is it? Indiana Jones was a bust as well. Aliens. UFOs. Dear God, has Mr Spielberg been taking any crack? The only other film out right now I can recommend is 'The Happening'. Not seen it myself, but apparently it is M. Night Shyamalan's greatest achievment since 'The 6th Sense'. Hard to believe since the last few movies such as 'Signs' and 'The Village' verged on the shitty side of films. No offence to the guy as he has some great ideas even if they don't turn out to well. So, there you have it folks. It's the summer time and you should do more than just watching movies or playing games, but seriously you're probably in your twenties and you haven't set foot outside your door since 'The OC' started airing.

I think we might have been here be-four...

2008-05-23T10:56:00.000-07:00

GTA IV (2008)

I'm not really sure where to start with this. Maybe I'll just start by saying that I've been playing this game ever since it arrived which, coincidently, arrived just after I reviewed The Godfather. So that is a fair wee while I've been playing it. The game is highly addictive, but I'm guessing most of you know that because at this moment your staring at porn and looking up cheats so you can become the most kickass Niko Bellic to ever exist. The story starts with our protagonist, Niko Bellic, arriving in Liberty City, from God-knows-where, on a really crappy boat. He came to this glorious city to get a new start and because his fat asshole cousin said he was incredibly rich. If you know anything about the GTA series, or any game for that matter, you never start out rich, so that is a dead giveaway as to your wealth at the start of the game. As usual you have the missions that you must do for several billion people, but also you have social skills now which putting it simply is a phone which can chose to use or not use depending on your hatred for other members of humanity. You go on dates with the Liberty City whores, you hang out with your friends, you browse the internet...wait a minute. I think I've seen this before. Yeah, it's called REAL LIFE! Everything you do in the game is stuff that you probably do in real life, and now I'm hoping that doesn't entail killing all foreign people. Now to say that these additions to the game are bad, it's just it seems like we're just playing a game based on our lives. It's like playing Nintendogs instead of actually buying a dog. Maybe they'll add that in to the next game: buy yourself a pet.

Lets get back to the good parts. The AI is amazing, the graphics are amazing, the story is amazing, the combat is amazing and the driving is...erm...realistic, which is a step in another direction for GTA. It was usually simple handling, turn left, turn right, that sort of thing. Now it's take care otherwise you shall total your car. And the whole thing where you must escape your capsized car before it explodes has been removed, thank God, but now that it's gone there is less urgency to escape the vehicle. Why, I'm sure you could just sit there and listen to the radio for a few hours or more.

8.9/10

Becoming your godfather...

2008-05-02T15:46:00.000-07:00

The Godfather (2006)

I usually find that games that follow the whole GTA aspect of gaming often turn out to be as good, or better than what GTA has taken years to accomplish. The same can be said about this game. Following the basic plot from the movie, which means you play as some stupid kid and help out "the family" when a problem arises. The idea of running around doing errands for someone else is what games are all about. Essentially it's like real life except you get to shoot every blue, red, green, and brown jacketed man who makes an offensive gesture towards you. That means just about anyone who isn't you, so when you go to take over a business (oh! Did I forget to mention that you can take over businesses?) you're basically entering a gun fight with meanest bastards to ever walk the streets of the...1940's? 1950's? Ah well, who cares? Unlike some of the games that fall into this genre, the missions are almost too easy, you can make a couple of thousand dollars in a matter of half an hour maximum, and you don't have absolutely retarded police. So many times in GTA have I driven my car straight into a police vehicle and yet nothing happens. This game on the other hand has moderately intelligent police A.I. which means they will try to stop you when you rob a bank (by the way, you can rob banks!). My only issues with the game are that transport is really lacking. Fair enough, it is set in the 19-somethingoranothers and transport would be considered limited compared to now. But, it is no excuse to have only 5 or 6 different cars and then have train tracks that you can't even use. Also, the majority of the vehicles are incredibly slow or incredibly weak. I mean, the first time I hijacked a taxi and realised it's speed didn't reach double figures, I started to consider the irony of the matter: a New York City taxi that cannot go fast. Poppycock! Can't happen! Unfortunately it has and continues to do so. Sometimes I wonder if developers intentionally put these flaws in their games just to annoy us. Like if they didn't get Al Pacino to play the part of Michael. By the way, they didn't! Oh well! But that doesn't make it a bad game, just flawed. Without Al Pacino it probably doesn't reach the level of awesome it should, but it is still worth getting if you feel your current games are all too samey - like the Final Fantasy series!

7.6/10

Am I a Nine?

2008-04-28T12:26:00.000-07:00

The Nin9s/The Nines (2007)

The most recent of my fascinating movie collection is none other than 'The Nin9s'. Funny, serious, and deeply disturbing all at the same time to create an entirely bizarre movie. Starring Ryan Reynolds (all hail!), and some other people who probably got picked cause they had a funny sounding name. The movie follows Reynolds as he portrays three different characters in three different stories which are all intertwined by reference to "nine" or "the nines". Also the two other co-stars take different roles within each of the stories which will get you pondering as to what significance the number nine plays in this, and why does Ryan Reynolds seem attractive to even the straightest of men? That doesn't include me of course. It's just a random comment which appears every time you search for poor Ryan on the internet. There's not much else I can really say about the movie without completely ruining it. It is one of those movies which you have to see for yourself. It won't be a complete mind-bender like some movies I know, and to be completely honest, the ending is a bit of a let down in this film. You assume it's going to be a complex storyline and an unpredictable ending...well the latter is true. Doesn't mean ending is good though. The idea behind the movie, the storyline, the acting, etc are all good. The ending is just stupid and weird, and thats all I'm going to say on the matter. Still worth watching if you can figure out to open that DVD tray or open that Blu-ray tray. The latter being the situation if by chance you are a Satan worshipper.

7.9/10

Already stated, but what the hell...

2008-04-18T15:25:00.000-07:00

Thrice - The Alchemy Index Vol. III & IV (Air & Earth) (2008)

I have already stated what I think of this album but I think it's only fair I continue to share this information. I recently acquired the album and have not been able to stop listening to it. There's not much more that I can add on to what I've said in a previous post apart from the fact that most other reviewers, fans or not, have found the album thoroughly entertaining. Well worth a listen. Plus there is an interesting ending to the album. I knew what it was immediately but see if you can figure it out yourself.

9.5/10

I feel ashamed...

2008-04-16T13:06:00.000-07:00

While attempting to find movies, games, etc that I can review for you, I made the fatal error of watching "The Simpsons Movie".

The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Watching this movie is enough to make you want to confess all your sins to God, and send yourself to hell so that the Lord Almighty cannot smite his/her awesomeness upon you. Not that he/she would, but you're all too thick to know that anyway. Well, lets get down to ripping this movie apart. Stupid, majorly unfunny at points, took too long to get released, but it is far better than the tv series is right now. The sheer plot of this movie took approximately 15 years to accomplish, but "accomplish" implies they gained something other than the worlds shitiest movie award. I know it took this long because the script has been circling the drain since I was a little cynical boy who enjoyed watching The Simpsons every night and day, but their strength in jokes has plummeted with their dignity as the show has gone on for far too long. Fox continues to shove shit like this in our faces while they continue to cancel great tv shows such as Firefly and Arrested Development. You think they might have learned that despite the fact that The Simpsons are still, somehow, popular, you really need to get something new around. I think that's why Family Guy was created. Rude, racist, but hilariously funny. Yet, sometimes I feel their humour is lacking a few things every now and then. But lets get back to the matter at hand. Although the movie manages to shove its hand down its throat and share its vomit covered jokes, the movie just lacks the laughs I would expect. In fairness, I never expected this movie to be good, but I thought I'd watch it for the sake of it, nothing more. If somehow this movie became the beacon of light that everyone claimed it might be then I might renounce my faith and create the Church of Unlikely Gods, but unfortunately that never happened. The few highlights of the movie are watching Green Day die, having everyone in the town of Springfield trying to kill The Simpsons, and also the part where it was far more entertaining than the current tv series. But that last comment could be disregarded as it could be seen as an episode with several parts, so technically it is as funny/unfunny as the series, but with all of it combined you come up with a smile that may cross my face.

5.7/10

Some old stuff...

2008-04-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

I have reviewed the main things I've gotten in the past wee while so, as the title suggest, I'm going to look at some old DVDs, games, etc. Please tell me if I give you too much credit for figuring out what this post entails from the title.

Serenity (2005)

This movie, since its release, has been in the select few movies that are my favourites. When I say "select few" I do in fact mean 'one of the forty gazzillion movies that I liked in general'. Now that that's cleared up, lets talk space westerns. Yes, 'Serenity' is in fact a space western. We never saw it coming. But despite it's absurd genre, it explains the reason why the two have combined. Earth became over-populated, needed to find new planets to colonize, blah blah, some people didn't like the government so they launched a war, etc etc. That's the basic back story. The actual plot of the movie is that a girl named River Tam that has been experimented on by this evil government called the "Alliance". She is immediately rescued by her brother Simon who has given up his lifes dream of being a doctor to save her. He then takes his place upon the Firefly class vessel 'Serenity' which is manned by the meanest bunch his doctors you can find. No, I'm kidding. They are a crew of rebels/smugglers determined make ends meet. But River holds a dark secret which was why the government was all to willing to experiment on her and have now sent an assassin on her trail causing havoc for the rest of the crew as well. That's the gist of it. If it hasn't caught your attention then I'd still recommend watching it just so I feel I've accomplished something here today. Not exactly an all star cast but there will be a few familiar faces. e.g. Mr. Universe (Yes, that's his name) is Charlie Epps from 'Numb3rs'. Wash is Steve the Pirate from 'Dodgeball'. That's just a few examples.

Please watch...

8.1/10

Something I missed out

2008-04-06T07:29:00.000-07:00

I made the fatal error yesterday of not including a game in the reviews. Now, due to my poor decision, my desperately required manhood is threatened by a midget Russian girl who insists on stapling everything. And I mean everything!

Game: Burnout Paradise (2008)

Although the world of Burnout has been going on for several years, we automatically assume that another game of a similar manner will in fact be the same. But what separates this game from the other bastard children brought onto this earth by Criterion is that it has one major difference. Free-roam. A lot more games are adding in free-roaming because it shows off all the amazing and colourful graphics that they have spent years developing. You still get the same game modes as you did before, but because of the free-roam feature you are ending up at the top of a fucking mountain where you can choose whether it's more fun to find a follow a set road to get to your target or if its better to use the board from Twister and let that decide your direction. Previously, you would follow a straight road that threw in a few bends just to keep all the people with the mental age of 3 entertained. It worked though. Kept me entertained for hours. But back to highly recommendable features of the new game. As I mentioned before, free-roaming allows the developer to show off their awesome graphics. An example of this would be car crashes. I have spent time after time just racing along the road in the fastest car possible just so I can crash into some asshole civilian car that has remarkably just appeared out of no where. You will get to see the car crumple up in slow motion as the cars collide. I think it's amazing what they've done with that game, but there are some minor things I don't like. For starters, the world takes hold of one fairly sized city on one side of the map and the rest is the biggest collection of the most bloody annoying country roads you could ever come across. Whenever I complete a race, somehow, due the game having some sort of an obscure hate for me, I'll end up in the countryside, away up in the mountains. My solutions to this problem are this: speed on down the hill and hate myself for wasting such precious time, find a race or similar so that I don't notice the crappy journey home, or, if I'm really pissed off, I'll turn the game off. Another issue I take with game is that whenever you get a new car, and your always getting a new car, you get the choice between the speedy but persistently weak cars, or the strong, steady cars that look like they've been designed by a combination show called 'Queer eye for the straight car'.

There's not much else to say about the game except that is incredibly good fun, but a bit repetitive. But then again most things are now. Walking to the shops is a little worse than the same daunting task it used to be. Now you have to dodge the occasional granny on her scooter or the man who thinks the pavement is a sign to score points as he attempts to run everyone over. The game is worth getting, but don't expect a grand storyline. It's a do this, this and this, if you choose to, and then you've completed the game. You could probably get the same amount of fun when you and your friends decide to go to the local supermarket and play battle trolleys.

8.9/10

Reviews, shoes and a little bit of bacon

2008-04-05T08:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry if the title is kinda random. Anyway, I decided dedicate this post to reviewing several movies, games, etc, even if such things have been out for a long period of time I have only just got them so there.

Movie: Sunshine (2007)

I recently got this because it was part of a 3 DVDs for £15 deal. Sounds like an immensely boring movie since it, funnily enough, bases itself around the sun. It's all star cast containing the bloke from the Batman Begins movie, and the Human Torch from the Fantastic Four movies is not exactly impressive to say the least, but at least it explains the origin of the Human Torch. Not actually but it's a nice thought. The movie begins with a crew of astronauts (roughly 7 or 8 of them. The number just never seemed extremely important to me) who set out to revive the sun through the use of some big ass bomb. The movie is set a good 50 years in the future so there' s no need to worry just yet. Each member of the crew, as with most of these survival type movies, is killed off in a different and obscure manner just to keep the movie going and the audience to continue watching it probably, but it all works well. The plot, and simple space physics or whatever its called now, are almost ridiculous but it fits well enough. I know I have criticised this movie to the furthest point but only in your best interest...I think. Anyway, the movie is well worth watching if you are just looking for a good movie to watch in your spare time. Don't expect too many fan clubs, or fans for that matter as some people are just oblivious to great movies and spend their time watching a film with Orlando Bloom or someone else you wished was dead.

7.8/10

Music: Thrice - Alchemy Index Vol: III & IV (Earth and Air) Early review

Now, if you happened to know me you would know that I am not a fan of Thrice. I am follower to the sacred words spoken by them. While owning their entire disc collection, including their early releases and DVD, decorated my 'My Pictures' and desktop with thousand of pictures of them, learned to play several of their songs, it would be an insult to them, and myself, if I said that I didn't like this album. Well, I can't say I do like it...yet. The album is yet to be released and as I am not a famous reviewer I did not enter the untouchable list of who gets an early copy. Thus, it would be wrong to properly review the album just now. But I may as well. While the previous two volumes contained some of their heavier style of music (Fire) and some of their electronic style (Water), Earth and Air take a more folky route. Several of the songs have been played live for promotional use, which I managed to get a hold of, and I have to say they are completely different. Thrice is not the same band they were in the beginning. Everything has changed. There is no way to define Thrice as any particular genre as they take on so many every time. The best way to describe them is experimental/God-like because every album is so different. It is easy to say that after you've heard the first few albums, but this takes it to an all new level. I know you're probably all thinking, "Oh, you cad. How can you still say this when you still haven't bought the album?" Well, the truth is, and always has been, that Thrice was created by God who sent them onto earth to create the best music imaginable. They have managed that so far so it would not be fair to them if I said that the next volumes are going to be a steaming pile of shite. But maybe I am hyping this up a bit too much. I am yet to listen them live and the new album might not be perfect. But who or what is? Besides Dustin Kensrue, Teppei Teranishi, Eddie Breckenridge and Riley Breckenridge. Oh, wait. That's all the members of Thrice. Oh well. Can't argue with the facts.

Movie: Blood Diamond (2007)

'Blood Diamond' was another of those 3 for £15 DVD's that I got. It stars Leonardo Di Caprio.............................................................................what a great start. Don't get me wrong, in his more recent movies such as 'The Departed' and 'Blood Diamond' itself he has been a fantastic actor. He takes the role of a man named Archer who is a South African ex-mercenary, now diamonds smuggler, whose life is determined on finding diamonds in which he can then sell on to some asshole prick in London, England. Rebel forces in Sierra Leone are determined to find these diamonds so they can buy bigger and better weapons to obliterate the rest of the population with because they gave them a funny look...possibly. Our main man Solomon Vandy, who we meet at the beginning of this tragic story, has been taken hostage to serve in the diamond mines. Strangely, he finds a diamond. Never saw it coming. Anyway, he managed to sneak away and hide it, and is then pursued by Archer who wishes to sell it to meet his own ends, and by the rebels who wish to sell it so they can kill more and more people. A great movie if you just want to watch something good for a change. Great acting, great character development, and for those insecure sickos, there is a lot people getting killer. There's not much else to say besides the fact that Mr Di Caprio may be going back to his usual shite movies after this so it may be good to enjoy this while you can.

8.0/10

Proxies and the rest of the world

2008-01-16T07:46:00.000-08:00

Oh, hi there

2008-01-13T10:33:00.001-08:00

This will be me first post, unless some how I have posted this before making this the second post. So, all we hear about here and now are that people are out blogging. I wasn't so I thought I'd join in on the fun. Wooo! Fun! Don't let my sarcasm put you off in the slightest. I feel there aren't enough words to describe how I feel. Oh wait! Yes there is! CYNICAL! TO THE MAXIMUM! There, my daily feelings have been shared. You could tell me your daily feelings but it might be quite apparent to you, in this endless moment where you play with the speakers wondering why the computer won't talk back to you, that I really don't care. Well, I suppose that isn't fair. I do care, very much so in fact. I just don't want to see a big long comment where some crazy woman describes all her cats.

"Oh, this one eats tuna, and this one throws up, and this one fights crime..."

Not that wouldn't be slightly entertaining for me to read but unfortunately my goal at the end of each day is not to read about the crazy cat lady. But feel free to comment at any time and about anything. Just keep it remotely sensible. If for the next few weeks I get comments about crazy cat ladies then I will hunt you down and feed you to my printer whose desire to eat humans is similar to that of a fat kid wanting to eat...well, food! So, there you have it folks. My first blog post. I'm so proud of me. I posted it 'cause of me!

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